oh my god!!! oh my god!!!

on an impulsive whim i pulled bre out of school wed afternoon
went to the center for addiction and mental health

where 3 days grace was doing a thing
apparently adam used to be a contin junkie

they're breanna's all time fav band
she's seen them in concert twice this year

so

we got there late - no surprise - it's often the way we do things
but it fully didn't matter this time

we totally got to hang with bre's fav band members
striaght up
no crowds just us and them

we're walking up to the building through an alley
i say to bre "would you recognize any of these guys if you saw them"
she says "oh my god yes yes there's one - that's barry"

you could feel her excitement
she sort of froze up and hid behind me as we walked though the equipment

he liked my Hells Angels shirt and said so - i knew we were in
he posed for a photo
we talked and laughed
it was cool

then
we walk around front
there's adam - bre is freaked

we talk he poses for a picture
breanna is completely tweaked i mean completely
adam makes bre fully "oh my god!!!"

karma is being good to us these days

lucky

welcome to newcastle

newcastle

the cosmopolitan ghetto of clarington

full of rednecks, skids, farmers, fags, and suburbanites

which is exactly why i like it

like a modern day coney island freak show

like shaking a snow globe

...

we parked behind the local IGA

...

and followed this truck with it's balls hanging out

...

seasonally appropriate - no punchbacks

...

this house is on main street and they do it up right every holiday

valentines, easter, st patricks, halloween, etc

fully decorated every time

...

2nd annual newcastle satan clause parade

i remember last year

where my head was - where my heart was

and here i am again - or is it still

...

we got hooked up with hot chocolate and an absolutely delicious raspberry chocolate coffee and waited for them to blow some stuff up

you gotta love a parade where they blow stuff up

which reminds me of a story - i used to have an official government license to detonate real fireworks - but then there was that incident at the local park a couple years back - it's generally acknowledged by those who know me and those who were there that night that i am a dangerous man around things that explode and shouldn't be trusted - but really - that's another story for another time - so much for that then

...

my outlaws were at the parade

and the good news?

breanna got to share the parade with her little cousins

...

...first prize - redneck division

sweet tractor - hay wagon - a couple kids - some yard toys - a few tacky christmas lights - a noisy generator - the kids plastic play house from the backyard - and one of those air filled snow globe units from canadian tire DUCT TAPED to the top of the playhouse

ta da!!! instant parade float?

...

"give us the finger john!!!"

that's what i hear as my mom's boss goes by in the parade

my favorite conservative - john o'toole - one of few conservatives convincingly re-elected in the last electoral purging of this province - so all nasty gestures aside - you know he's doing a good job and we respect him anyway - i never had a favorite conservative before johnny rotten - he's harmless unlike our former mayor but if i were that balloon guy i'd watch out anyway

...

parade daze

cindy-lou who with the grinch

and his cute dog too

...

i love the shriners - these guys know how to party - their reputation for choas at conventions in hotels all across north america was legendary throughout the 70's and 80's - some places wouldn't host shriners conventions after some of the shit these guys pulled - they've cleaned up their puplic image some but these minibike riding fez wearing civic minded clubbers are still putting their freak on - this is their pirate ship and what you can't hear is the canon - a real goddamn shake the earth beneath your feet what the fuck was that scare the shit out of everyone canon type thing - oh yeah baybee

-

there's always an elephant - at every community event - it's different between us - me and the elephants - since having my nuts fondled by a rogue pervert pachyderm at the zoo - i'm a little uneasy - and unnaturally aroused - is it just me or is this elephant pretty?

santa's yummy helpers

i like the way that blonde elf is looking at me - i know what i want for christmas now - you'll find me on your naughty list baybee

...

and if it's just the same - i'd rather not talk about how the elf below is looking at me - he's the yummy pleasures elf - pimping hot chocolate and short bread - yummy pleasures is a decadent desert house - and fully gay - can you tell...

float number 80 - santa claus

santa's sleigh was alittle bit low rent - but his horses are damn beautiful

christmas trivia: what is the name of the horse in the song jingle bells?

hello sweetheart

it's just a matter of time now - i can smell it

pretty dang good ideas - by jim swinghammer

idea #1

a sweet jimmy original


a timely idea
for this holiday shopping season...it goes like this
...
kiosks at the mall
with touch screen google-like searchable data bases
...
you log on
so that retailers
and their corporations
can collect data about your needs
...
you put in the item/s name or a description of the item
and a meta crawling search engine goes to work
combing inventory lists and retail data from mall vendors
...
for the end user - the shopper
tonnes of advertising maybe some coupons
item descriptions, store/s where they can be found, product availability, related merchandise
a "you are here" map with directions to appropriate retailers
a choice of route parameters
like quickest, shortest
and a special setting for devoted shoppers - window shopping
...
window shopping would take the shopper
on personalized route past stores and items of interest
identified based on relevence to that days item/s requested
data collected from previous mall visits
new items in stock since last log in
cross referenced with the user's preferences
and a mall time limit entered by the shopper
...
retailers will benefit from extensive advertising iniatives
and the eventual efficiency of an online hybrid program
that will facilitate fully automated online order taking
bookkeeping
and shipping labels
...
from making shopping simpler
to taking shopping into cyberspace
...
good idea or
great idea
you decide
...
i'll tell you this though
sweet jimmy has spent a lot of time at the mall this month
i think it's getting to me

they grow up so fast

so today
my little girl comes home from school
and begins a fully involved conversation
with the words
...
"hey dad...it was funny... at the coffee house today..."
...
and wham
reality hits me right in the face
...
my little girl hangs at the coffee shop with her little friends
like friends the tv show maybe
on their way home from school
boys and girls mixed
...
so the story goes

that tonight
they ordered 6 hot chocolate with whipped cream
and one steamer
seven of them
and she likes that the owner knows them now
...

it's been part of a growing after school trend she started

since the weather has gotten colder

after going there with dad

time after time

and
at $3 apiece for what is arguably the best hot chocolate in town
it's no wonder the owner recognizes my daughter

who does the buisness of ordering
while making loans to
and collecting money from
her peers
using no muscle
just charm i guess
...
it's the foundation of a dirty buisness
but it's working for her
...
god
they grow up so fast
...
sometimes when i'm talking
blah blah blah parent type bullshit
and she knows i know she's not listening
she'll laugh in a patronizing manner and say
"hey...don't interrrupt me while i'm ignoring you"
i find me impressed

and valuing her like it could all be over tomorrow
because she's hardly my little girl anymore
and mark my words
your sass won't be cute for much longer young lady lol
but i respect you fully

big daddy

xo

because that's the way i am

I’ve felt a lot of powerful things in the last thirteen years or so

With an assortment of different people

In a lot of different ways

For any number of different reasons

...

But tonight

It was like I walked alone for the first time
So many stars

The air so still

My sense of being

interconnected

With stillness and quiet and depth
Alone

Aware

Unforgiven

Unrepentant

Beneath unending darkness and a billion points of light

...

so I smoked a blunt

Peach cognac

...

because
that’s the way I am
...

and I stopped at frosty john’s

for a shot of tequila

and a rickard’s red

...

after which

I wandered anonymously back into the darkness

leaving a rather large tip

as thanks for being left alone

unmolested by small talk

while life

my life

lay before me

one more time

...

as i stepped beneath the awesome darkness

of tonight's beautiful sky

...

I felt it
...

unmistakably

...

I feel it

...

a powerful need

to laugh

to learn

to live

to be real

...

and like the animal i've become

I could howl into that darkness

at each of those billion points of light

because

perspective is everything

and

this is not what I had planned for me
this is not how I wanted things to be

and the world can be a funny place

when our perception of it

is obscured by our expectations

...

but

it is what it is

this thing i feel

...
and I feel it

like a billion points of light

...

And I'm ready

For as long as it might last
For now

For never

Forever
For as long as it might last

Because

it feels like the right thing to do

for right now

and

that's just the way I am

420 moment

next summer's 420 moments...

Balls Falls Conservation Area during blackberry season

and

the Rock Lake blueberry island in Algonquin Park

during blueberry season

yummy

ink is sacred

"what kind of loser gets the number 13 tattoo'd on himself?"

i mean really - do i have to answer that

...

every indelible scar

i consent to have inked into the pesonal canvas

that is my carcass

represents a special time in my life

a time of awareness

lessons

passion

intensity

each one marks a time unlike any other

...

will they be special when i'm 60?

...

godamn right they will be

this is my life

these are my moments

ink is sacred

-

angry music for angry boys

a band named

obituary

doing a song called

the redneck stomp

prepare for vengence

or die wondering

sweet jimmy knows where you live

...

tomorrow is today's maybe

a new age of reason
teason for a fragile mind
what's the sense in searching
if there's nothing to be found
what's right is wrong
what's done is gone
begging for forgiveness
with an empty heart
today is tomorow's history
tomorrow is today's maybe

like a drink before dying
like a pornographic scene
like a kiss that doesn't feel right

like we could ever know what anything means

i feel

i feel like a king

i feel like i'm dying

i feel like i don't know where i'm going

i feel like i don't know where i am

i feel like i'm already there

i have it all

and yet i have nothing

the fat lady is singing

but i don't know the words

i think she wants to fuck me

or fuck me over

whatever

...

running to stand still

I have autumn in my back yard
The trees are big now
Like a piece of the forest
Multicolored leaves lay everywhere
Today
I watched squirrels chasing one another in those trees
Up and down
Full throttle
Black and grey
Grey and black
Spiraling around the branches
Upside down and inside out
Crazed little bastards
Dancing they nutty dance
Mindlessly yet vividly
I suddenly remember another of so many yesterdays
Sitting in greg’s parent’s kitchen
Early morning after night shift
Looking onto beau valley
With it’s trees and squirrels and sunrise
Mesmerized
marijuanized
Smoking cigarettes and talking shit
And how long ago that seems
And how many lessons I was learning back then
Cause and effect
Effect without cause
Life
love
lust
hate
Hurt
respect
And what happened to that process
Am I a product of the results
Or
am I still awash in the same world
of cause and effect
Effect without cause
Life
love
lust
hate
Hurt
respect
after all this time
I find myself finding places I’ve never been
Dancing to music I’ve never heard
Feeling ways I’ve never felt
And I’ve decided
that this is just the way it is
like running down hill
leaving every last step behind
hoping the head and the heart travel together
instead of tumbling over one another
never really knowing
what the next step will bring
fucking rat bastard squirrels
inspiration
or insanity
insanity and inspiration
hectic

more good music for bad boys

Kid Rock

...

"you ain't never met a motherfucker like me"

and my personal anthem these days

"cowboy"

...

turn it up - learn the words - sing it loud

beautiful

and suddenly there it was

like jesus' voice coming from the toaster

vivid and unmistakable

beautiful and true

an original

INDIAN MOTORCYCLE

-

kitty bitty come home

Lost Kitty

cherished family pet

affectionate

insane

tearfully missed

please come home

even if you're out whoring around and got a belly full of babies

we'll love you anyway

420 perfection

the best joint ever - everytime

-

sometimes

sometimes

when

she smiles at me

it's

like walking

into the sunshine

throwing your arms out wide

and being kissed

by warmth

swinghammer enterprises inc. ont# 8166613

the original

sweet jimmy swinghammer

king of the damned

leader of the broken

too twisted to live

too mean to die

unforgiven unrepentant

and

loving every minute of it...

live like you're being watched

cause i know where you live

...

1 800 spank-me

-

because sometimes it doesn't hurt to be spanked

tell them swinghammer sent you

<+125-631_1669+>

napoleon dynamite - 420 moment

absolutely stupid brilliant on so many levels

funny fo so many reasons and at the same time funny for no good reason at all

...

napoleon dynamite

a great movie

best taken with nachos and liberal applications of thc to the brain

...