sábado, marzo 31, 2007

jimmy likes his pussy (willows) wet

wet
wet pussy
wet pussy will
wet pussy willow pussy willow
will you with me
pussy willow pussy willow
wet pussy will
pussy will
pussy willow
come here
kitty
kat

viernes, marzo 30, 2007

i, monkey

click the picture
and play the video like a good little monkey

jueves, marzo 29, 2007

free investment advice

invest in gravol
if i told you why
i'd have to kill you
nonetheless
buy as much gravol stock as the market will allow
and keep a box on hand too
trust me

miércoles, marzo 28, 2007

maya and the internet

she's damn cute
and affectionate
and smart
and stoopid
and fortunate there's an internet...

firstly
we found her on the internet
free to a good home sort of post on the OPG website
and then yesterday
yesterday it was nice outside
and for the first time since we got the maya dawg
the front door was open

after awhile it seemed strange that she wasn't following us around
as it turns out
the screen door wasn't latched proper
so she quietly took herself for a walk

she went across the road and 3 houses up the street
went in the house when they opened the door
and proceded to eat all their dog's food

now the internet part

still wearing the name tag from her previous home
the neighbor called the number on her tag which is in niagra
maya's previous owners could only give them my blog address
because they don't even have my home address

the neighbor goes online to

www.sweetjimmyswinghammer.blogspot.com


discovers sweetjimmy is me from the pictures
and i get my dog back - via the internet

sort of anyway

we got a new tag now - it's all good

martes, marzo 27, 2007

pogo a gogo


lunes, marzo 26, 2007

facebook this! i'm in brunette heaven

diana made the delicious daquiri's again

lyndsay laughed


then lyndsay and diana laughed
a lot

maybe they thought it was funny

that they showed up wearing the same top

or maybe it was something else


we made chocolate chip cookies
ate mexican food

smoked some medicine

and

drank the absinthe

i can't remember what was so funny
but it was way damn funny

and

jimmy loves brunettes

sábado, marzo 24, 2007

thoughts on weirdness

people are weird
but sometimes we meet people
whose weirdness compliments our own weirdness
weirdness that is compatible with ours
when fate smiles upon the weird
we get to spend our time with someone just like that
falling into a mutually satisfying weirdness
and we call it love
true love

viernes, marzo 23, 2007

changing of the gaurd - fu dog on duty

we used to have a gargoyle at the front door
protecting our home from evil spirits
but it's time for something new
the chinese fu dog
known as the "happiness dog" for over 3000 years
it's not actually a dog
but strangely enough
a lion
and even though 3000 years ago
lions weren't indigenous to china
fu dog became a sacred symbol found at temple entrances
and embroidered on royal robes
historically a defender and protector
it is also symbolizes energy wisdom and values
-
our gargoyle
the evil spirit gaurding 1500 year old european cousin of fu
is now in the living room
wearing the bow tie i found in a parking lot last weekend

martes, marzo 20, 2007

ancient wisdom contemporary truth


to a father growing old
nothing is more dear
than a daughter

my pussy willow is pussying


lunes, marzo 19, 2007

how's that for cuteness?

mom ain't bad either.

domingo, marzo 18, 2007

sweet jimmy is a dirty boy

a prayer for the infected...

please lord
bless the internet porn
make it free, hardcore and readily available
but cast into hell
those malevolent bastards
who've violated my online security sphincters
and infected my machine
god damn you bastards
what's wrong with you?
...
ew i feel so dirty
this might take a couple days

jueves, marzo 15, 2007

let's face it


miércoles, marzo 14, 2007

special pancake


fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
As we are liberated from our own fear
our presence liberates others."
never is now
and
tomorrow is nothing more
than a promise insincerely whispered
by our expectations
fuck fear
live

martes, marzo 13, 2007

lucky 13


today was a beautiful day
a day of dreams
about new beginnings
about change
and finding that what you're looking for
has already found you

a day blessed by a beautiful sunrise
and an unexpected rainbow
planting seeds of hope
in the garden of insight and best intentions

domingo, marzo 11, 2007

i said woof dammit

there are two dogs that live inside me
one is larger
and dominates my life
it is the one i feed the most
and i leave it for you
to discover
is it the good dog
or the fire breathing leg humping hell hound
-

sábado, marzo 10, 2007

truth

the sun will always shine
on the memories
you left behind
and i believe
there was truth in those moments
the moments
when we were nothing
except ourselves
and loving every minute of it

viernes, marzo 09, 2007

who am i? who am i? LMFAO


When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE
AND WE THINK THEY'RE SPECIAL
BUT THEY'RE REALLY NOT. I MEAN REALLY. NOT.
THEY'RE JUST MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY'RE WORTH.
AND THE UNFORTUNATE TRUTH, THE HARSH REALITY, THE ONLY LESSON IT ALL OFFERS IS THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE WEIRD
AND EVEN HOPE CAN LET YOU DOWN.

hey jimmy - where you been

if i told you i'd have to kill you
and there just isn't room in the basement for more bodies
so shut up
sit down
and pay attention
new posts are on the way
sweet jimmy swinghammer rides again!

miércoles, marzo 07, 2007

should i be worried?

i've tried to cultivate abstract thinking

as a part of my daughter's problem solving skill set

thinking outside the box sort of shit
i now know for sure she has grasped the concept and i'm worried
let me explain...
she plays roller coaster tycoon - a game that simulates the creation and operation of a theme park - you build attractions and construct rides and concession stands - even bathrooms
people come to your park and enjoy themselves - you earn money and
within a certain time frame
you need x number of dollars and x number of people in your amusement park to meet your objective and win- pretty straight forward
-
there's this feature
you can access a pull down menu that lists all the park guests by name, what they're doing and what they're thinking - things like "i'm hungry" "where's the washroom""that ride is fun"that ride is lame" etc.

you can actually pick people up individually and put them places they want or need to be - the washrooms - a particular ride - food stand etc.

so here's where it all gets a little funky

they also say " i want to go home" or "leaving the park"
so my daughter
takes the equipment that is used to build rides and gardens and sidewalks
and she builds a pit
she starts picking up all the people that are leaving
and she puts them in the pit

they can not escape
they walk around aimlessly saying "i want to go home"
but they can't leave
my daughter's theme park has become a concentration camp


her attendance numbers stay VERY high
it's like a wasp trap - once you're in there's no getting out
some of her prisoners errr patrons have been at the park for over a year


she's put a shelter in the pit
a hot dog vendor
and washrooms
it's all geneva convention - better than guantanimo bay
i'm impressed with her resourcefulness
and a little bit uneasy just the same
my baby gurl has become a rollercoaster dictator
is this a bad sign?
should i start sleeping with one eye open?

the epic saga of pudge

if you see the gurl on the right
her name is michelle
ask her to tell you the "pudge" story
you see pudge is a dude
a big dude like the name implies
and for reasons i'd rather not indulge
this gurl and a friend
found themselves laying down some payback on pudge when he was passed out
her job was to physically spread his ass cheeks
so her accomplice
could pour hot sauce on pudge's poop hoop
so...
she gets a handfull of ass in each hand
gingerly pulls them apart
"he musta had one waiting in there" she says
cause when she pulled apart his ass cheeks
a fart fell out
omg!!!
i thought i was gonna piss i laughed so hard
and as if that's not enough
the story goes on
pudge got the burning ring of fire but there's so much more to it
make her tell you...
ask her what pudge does when he shits his pants
which he does way more often than you or i
weird guy this pudge

lunes, marzo 05, 2007

the casa de swinghammer pancake fiasco

it all started innocently enough
with pretty girls and daquari's

-
we were drinking and smoking and talking about jesus
like we often do

when for some reason one of the gurls says "can we make toast"

and then jesus
who clearly had a contact high going on from all the smoke says:

"hey let's make pancakes with chocolate chips"
-

so we did - well diana and trish did

michelle and i laughed mostly


you see...

it was all sorta straight up pancake making until diana poured all the batter on the grill to make one huge-normous pancake


who does that? i said - you're insane! i said

that's fucked it'll never work! i said













suddenly jesus says:
"goddamn jimmy i think they're gonna do it"
and they did!!!
it took two flippers four hands and spatula type thingy
but finally when all was said and done
di and trish managed to make the biggest friggin' pancake i ever saw
so
we christened the bastard with 100% real maple syrup
and ate like fiends
until there was no more pancake
it was dodgam fabulous man!!!

thank you jesus.

my baby has braces...

she's not happy about it.

click the link to read her thoughts about braces

sábado, marzo 03, 2007

FAITH

earlier today
i'm feeling a little ethereal
inspired and somewhat in awe
of the crisp white blanket of snow that lay before me


so i shuffle around
in this awkward "march of the penguins" sort of way
spelling the sacred word
faith
in the snow

and when i'm done - the dog comes over
humps up and has a steaming shit right in the middle of my faith
pretty much dotted the "i" with a big turd
-

that's gotta mean something

i am uncle sweet jimmy swinghammer

my nephew is two now
at christmas i got my first hug
he's becoming a people now
he knows who bre and i are
and let me tell you
there isn't anything in this world
nothing at all
like a hug from a child who knows you




jueves, marzo 01, 2007

nasty weather

absolutely brutal freezing rain
schools closed
roads closed
but
i still have to work so 6am
i'm skating across my driveway
on sheets of ice
and driving to whitby




i have to hand it to the short bus though
hands down
the best bad weather vehicle i've ever driven
even better than the 4wd monster truck