a prayer for unforgiving times

i am guilty lord
but i am also a lover

i am one of your best people as you know

yea though i have walked in many strange shadows
and acted crazy from time to time
and consumed excessively many sacred medicines
and lusted savagely with your high priestesses
i have not been an embarassment to you

so leave me alone goddamnit

i ache and i'm tired
and i don't want any more of it

don't make me come up there

your humble and unwilling servant,

sweet jimmy swinghammer xo

messages repeated

i clipped the "thought of the day"
out of a newspaper at work the other night

thought it had special meaning
about mistakes not being final

i didn't take it home cause i lost faith in it's special truth
the more i held it next to my hopes
the less it shined

someone else found it
and taped it to the door
carefully centered over top the most used door knob in the place
right where your eyes look when you open the door

messages repeated
repeated messages

no mistake is final

and some mistakes are too fun to make only once

doomed to suffer the sweet bribes and trickery of fate
left to suckle at the barbed nipple of disappointment

loving every single minute of it
whether i like it or not

the anti-cowboy

outlaw rotten rat bastard son of a bitch pirate futhermucker
not a godamn cowboy

cowboys are pussies

we used to rape cowboys when i was in jail
just for practice

don't call me cowboy

jordi's gone to doggie heaven

we had to put the old bastard down

best dog you ever met
just wanted to fit in
always smiling
eyes dancing and looking
until the last
the smile was gone
that spark in his eyes faded

he wouldn't even get up when we came home as he had all his life time after time with that smile and that spark

until the last

wasn't able to climb the stairs to sleep beside the little girl who loves him so much
stopped eating
legs would slip out from under him on the slippery floor

this is a dog that would, in his prime, run while i biked through the ganaraska 15 kms 25 kms his biggest ride 60 kms - official dog of the ASS OVER TEA KETTLE MTN BIKE CLUB

when we delivered newspapers
he'd come along
you could walk him anywhere without a leash

such a good dog
he loved those words
good dog
and atta boy
and come here

he would spend an entire day in an unfenced yard and never leave the property
periodically at night though
he would go god knows where
return at 2 or 3 in the morning
sheepish because he knew he shouldn't have
you never knew when he'd go on one of these tours but you could be sure he'd come back

one occasion we know for sure he walked clear across town to my ex wife's house and walked home again - a trip he'd only ever made in the car - this time on foot in the dark - crazy dog looking for his little girl

he would go after a big dog aggressively if the situation warranted
and survived being savagely attacked by two huge rotweillers

a proud beast with enough humility to be the perfect house pet - a true and loyal companion - calm reflective intelligent and respectful

rescued from the pound he lived a life that wanted for nothing - except maybe one more walk please or maybe just a bit of what we were eating - or another rub on the ass - just a little more his eyes would say - please

the poor old bastard
it's taken me awhile to get around to writing this
words aren't readily available to me

we all miss him

not so much the poor lump of dog that was left
when we took him to the vet
a shadow of himself

that last walk in the sun
short as it was
and those last moments laying in the cool grass
in the shade
oblivious to what we had planned for him
one last good rub on the ass before the big sleep
it's all so hard - you just wish there was some way to turn it all back - make him all better

those 13 years just flew by jordi buddy
you were there at my feet and by my side
through the worst moments and the best
through tears with a heart full of hurt and fear
i remember your face
your wagging tail
the way you would push your nose under my hand
lifting it onto your head

you brought me peace when i could find none
you were the best listener i've ever met
you never judged - never questioned

you brought to our lives
that priceless gem we humans crave
and suffer without

unconditional love

it was a beautiful spring day when he left us
breanna held him the whole time
if he knew what we were doing he would have wanted it that way
he never struggled a bit - we used to have to drag him through the vet door for routine stuff

but this time no shaking no resistance

his breathless body fit nicely into the box my dad built for him
and we put him to rest in the pet cemetary
at the orono jungle cat world

with photos, his collar, dog treats, sleeping blanket, and lots of love

so very proud of my daugher
for her exceptional strength and compassion - her wisdom and honesty and bravery - and finally her ability to reconcile within her heart that which none of us wanted to do

she took extra special care of him during those tough times
while we watched him get worse
and our hearts broke

you never met a nicer dog
he couldn't have asked for a better girl

i love you both

the light within

Sometimes our light goes out
but is blown into flame by another human being.

Each of us owes deepest thanks
to those who have rekindled this light.

-Albert Schweitzer