a fools fool

to be kissed by a fool is stupid
to be fooled by a kiss
is worse

you can't change something that you don't understand

is ready to abandon the dream

hell and back
and back
and
back no charted course
no plan
just two wheels
and 1200cc of freedom
from being me without you
to walk hand in hand with decaying dreams
to let demons dance carelessly into the wind
to feel the loss
of something i never had

and ride
places i haven't been since i was a child

insincerity

i remember your words
what they meant
how they felt

never not always now

restless - an ache for more - wondering wandering no more wanting no more waiting no more wishes - bury the bastard that would cross you twice - for she is the meat in the sandwich that has made you sick - and tomorrow - will taste just like today

if you let it

amber to darkness

another day without you

feels more and more like just another day without you

though i believe somewhere sometimes

blue

watches the day melt

into fading crimson and amber

as moment after moment

darkness steals the last of the day's warmth

and i believe that

you are there with me

somewhere

never forget

my regrets will wash away

somehow

but i'll never forget how i feel

right now

that feeling that you

are the worst thing that ever happened to me

lost little girls

what you are doing
so quickly
impulsively
amid so many unknowns for all the wrong reasons
is the worst idea
in the long sad history
of bad ideas
and
as always
never listening
to the people who truly care about you
who have always been there for you at the worst of times
find themselves helpless
but to stand and watch you

justify rationalize dream and conjecture
what you feel others need to hear
to believe in you


all the while
happily for a time
lost in a world of make believe, being needed,
consumed by wayward hopes and little girl dreams

you are free to be beautiful
do what you want
do what makes you happy
and feel loved

good luck with that
i smell doom - and i know it well

xo

i miss you

i detest you
and yet
i miss you so much
i detest me
as well

not because you left - because of how you left...

you took from me
something i will never be able to give anyone else
and it was beautiful

i'll be what i am...

i've had it to here - being where love is a small word

a part time thing - a paper ring...

prayer for difficult times

i am guilty lord, but i am also a lover

i am one of your best people as you know - yea though i have walked in many strange shadows - acted crazy from time to time - consumed excessively many sacred medicines -and lusted savagely with your high priestesses - i have not been an embarassment to you

so leave me alone goddamnit -i ache and i'm tired and i don't want any more of it

don't make me come up there - your humble and unwilling servant,

jimmy swinghammer xo

love

if you love something set it free...
just don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes

change

i am a but a puppet in god's mishappen freakshow

dancing for change on the filthy sidewalks of life

dreaming everyday of another way

but dancing the same old dance nonetheless

be what you are

once a dagger has pierced the heart
always a dagger it will be

wrong

the day was heavy and hot with wrong - there was no escaping it - no shade - no breeze - nothing but the swarming fetid stink of regret hanging in the air like a wet fart with nowhere to go

hope

watches
as every new moon
passes through the night sky
and in his heart
he sincerely hopes
that as it brings back the ocean tides
it will also
bring you back to me

darker days

a man walking through the forests and meadows of his memories listens to his heart break as he pauses to pick the wild flowers of his fondest moments

the sky above turns grey while winds of change and clouds of circumstance conspire to hide the sun that once shone brighter

just for him

freedom

"it's a vvvvvery blustery day pooh" the voices said
and yet
like a madmad he stood silent
unfettered by any sense of decorum or or expectation to look even remotely sane
and for but a moment

he was free

goodbye

like a billion points of light

passing through the night sky

like the first time you looked at me that way

like the last time you looked at me that way

not what or why - how

it's not why
or what

it's how
that will hurt forever when my thoughts are of you

not by choice

finds himself with a heavy heart
and a head full of garbage

undeniable

sometimes the most intelligent of perspectives

is undeniably

placed before us by our own blood

and the innocence of unsophisticated instinct

couldn't be better

well i'm fine
and thanks for asking
just woke up one morning and moved on
like every last moment we shared never happened
and every plan we ever made was never made
the meds kicked in
i pulled my socks up to my nuts
and suddenly
everywhere i go
pixie dust wafts from my arsehole

i couldn't
be
better

never is always now

I have lived longer in the last thirteen years
than most people ever live in an entire life time
Hanging on and letting go
Hundred miles an hour in the middle of the darkest night
Head out the window
Headlights off
Jaw clenched tight
Unforgiven
Unrepentant
I have tasted and been tasted
I have died
And been reborn
Over and over
Loved
Laughed lived lusted
Fallen down
Fallen up
Indulged more sins than one man should have time to commit
my life is like sand
A billion tiny moments
Bound together by proximity
into a shapeless existence
Of fate
circumstance
Cause and effect
too angry to hate tired to care strange to live and stupid to die
yesterday’s excuse
tomorrow’s reason
today's treason
unforgiven
unrepentant
too bad to be good
too good to be bad
and i know for certain
whether you believe it or not
that never is always now
and the worst is yet to come

i remember

I
remember
when you were a nice person

Slap

and when the slap finally came - it was only then i realized

i had no idea where i was

how long had i been asleep

like it never happened

i watched you walk away without you knowing i was there - i longed to shout out - to see you turn and smile and wait for me - i ached for that feeling that held us together so tightly through so much

and instead

i just stood silent and watched you walk feeling like our yesterdays never happened - feeling like a familiar stranger to whom you'll never speak again

so i stood silently

without words

and just watched you walk away

sometimes waking up is hard to do

i wake up everyday
feeling like
i never really meant anything
to you

report card

has spent his life repeatedly binging like a rabid beast on forbidden experiences, stolen moments, and elusive dreams only to find himself invariably purging the rancidly indigestible delusions illusions and confusion left behind when reality returns to rule her unforgiving kingdom of truth

- insight is a terrible thing to waste-

tell yourself whatever you like

reality is what it is despite your perceptions distortions and rationalizations

- the truth is not negotiable -

2011 - float your fanny down the ganny - port hope

all sorts of pics from 2011's float your fanny down the ganny

go here

and this reminds me

that it's time to back away from the fridge

and get back in the saddle

watch me go

and i stood there

in my pyjamas

-

fingers frozen

unmoving

locked into the most vivid of memories

almost feeling how it feels

to open up the throttle on the buellster down this particular stretch of back road

captivated by the thought

until

a sudden and penetrating breeze

caught me crisply by the nads

fucking winter

jimmy swinghammer:

happily drinking from the fountain of harsh realities

damn - should NOT go riding in the snow

adore-a-borealis

had a dream
familiar moments faces feelings

beautiful in an ugly sort of way

ugly in a beautiful sort of way

a strange and wonderfully terrible dream

about mostly nothing

and little bits of everything

happy???

of course i'm happy
in fact
i'm so fucking happy
i shit rose petals
and piss sunshine

this is funny - a friend of mine posted this on facebook today

original street fighter - free online

click here

to play

antidepressants

it's a sad sort of irony
when people try to kill themselves
by overdosing

on the pills that are supposed to help them

-

i find this to be a pleasant sort of anarchy

shit is getting kinda fucked up

sweet jimmy swinghammer

rides again

never really thought i'd say this...

you can catch me on facebook

jimmy swinghammer

-

it's not the same

but i like it

for now

parenting with perspective ain't easy

A father

passing by his son's bedroom

was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was tidy

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow addressed to "Dad"
with great apprehension he opened the letter and read:

-

-Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you this note

I had to elope with my new girlfriend

I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
i've found true love with Stacy

she is so nice
But I knew you would not approve of her

because of all her piercings and tattoos

her tight clothes

and the fact
that she is much much older than I am

and she's pregnant

-
Stacy says that we will be very happy
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter

We share a dream of having many more children

-
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby

for cocaine and ecstasy

-
In the meantime we will pray

that science will find a cure for AIDS

so Stacy can get better

She deserves it

-
Don't worry Dad.

I'm 15

and I know how to take care of myself now
Someday

I'm sure that we will be back to visit

so that you can get to know your grandchildren
-

Love always,

Your Son John

-

-

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.

-

I Just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life

than a bad Report card

it's in my center desk drawer
-

I love you.

-

-Call me when it's safe to come
home.

evolution of the penis

it's been said that a man's penis

has a mind of it's own

it would seem

that this ugly old penis

has grown legs too

dammit man - that's not right

mental health matters - your brain

we think with it right

but don't think about it so much

so let's think about this

-

the brain

it's an organ in the body

it has a vital role

a profound perfunctory purpose

it weighs about three pounds

-

three pounds of primarily water and fat

and

it doesn't just keep your heart beating

it mitigates

EVERYTHING

-

any awareness you have of the world around you

is because you have a brain

every wish every hope every desire

every smile every laugh every feeling

every regret every sadness every disappointment

every sensation

every movement

mitigated by your brain

-

it interprets facilitates enables overrides underwrites

determines supposes surmises perceives organizes

relates regulates mobilizes monitors translates

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

it perceives

the world around us

our experiences

the experiences of others

and stores fragments of each unique complex moment

consciously

unconsciously

to sort catalogue reference and interrelate

into

constructs of understanding

belief structures

protective mechanisms

and response patterns

-

it allows us to be connected to each other in the present

it is what connects us to our past

and determines our future

-

life is what it is

because of how this organ

our brain

functions

-

but

we rarely think of it

much less

think of it as an organ

just like the other organs we rely on

day in day out

-

if your stomach hurts

if your eyes get blurry

if you can't breathe

it doesn't diminish you as a person

you seek professional help

-

but

for some reason

when happiness fades

when anger irritability anxiety invade

and so much more about the world seems unpleasant

when feelings of self worth erode

when pleasure wanes

and thoughts race

when the little things become big things

when hopelessness helplessness and despair visit

but rarely leave

when these things persist

in an unnatural

what's wrong with me sort of way

we don't often seek help

-

we blame others

we blame ourselves

we wait

we need

we hurt

-

the brain is an organ

very like every other organ

and as such it is susceptible

to alterations affecting optimal performance

things like

bad chemistry

distorted constructs

counter productive protective mechanisms

-

so maybe

it's not a character flaw to be defensive or ashamed about

maybe

it's not weakness

maybe

it's not the world

maybe

it's just your brain

being an organ

and

maybe

it's time to get help

algonquin park too

algonquin park

rock lake - algonquin park

17 000 words i don't have to write

about the breanna and i camping

in algonquin park

and then

diana and emily and dave and meg

and mason arrived